Post by Paula on Feb 4, 2014 14:49:58 GMT -5
Hi JustUs,
I’ve been dating a man — whom I’ll call William — for nearly three years. He has an adult daughter in her early twenties. William and his ex-wife were divorced just as their daughter was graduating from high school. Their marriage was chaotic; the ex was highly emotionally abusive, and eventually, to protect himself, William began to respond in kind. Toward the end, William had pretty much given up on his life. He’s been honest with me about the failures of the marriage and his failures as a parent. He did the best he could, but he married far too young, without a clear understanding of his wife’s past (she carried a history of emotional, physical, and possibly sexual abuse from her father) and without an understanding of how his own unresolved childhood emotional neglect and abuse would impact his functioning as a spouse and as a parent. He would like to heal his relationship with his daughter, but she refuses to respond to him.
I don’t know whether he has ever articulated to her that he knows he has a lot to answer for. I don’t know whether she has any knowledge of how much he has changed since the divorce — he’s spent time in therapy, and has also regained much of the core self that he had to put away, for safety, during the emotionally abusive marriage. He was never abusive to his daughter, but he did fail to protect her both from the horror of the marriage, and from the manipulation and abuse from her mother. She had to grow up and become independent far too young, because her parents couldn’t parent her. William’s estrangement from his daughter is a heartbreak that pitches every day of his life in a minor key.
Several times I have wondered whether it would be a positive risk, or an unforgivable interference, for me to write to the daughter and tell her how much her father wants to repair the relationship. I would in no way suggest that she owes him the chance, or that she’s obligated to do it. I would only tell here: here’s how your dad feels, here’s what he’s ready and able to give you; he’s ready to hear everything you have to say, and to take responsibility for the ways he’s failed you, so if you ever feel inclined, please know that he’s the version of himself that you deserved to have growing up, and maybe it would be worthwhile to explore what it would be like to have him as a father.
I just wonder if she might be able to hear this from a third party more clearly than she can hear it from her father, to whom she will not grant an audience.
What do you think? Could I be taking a positive risk or causing a dramatic interference? Please enlighten me.
I’ve been dating a man — whom I’ll call William — for nearly three years. He has an adult daughter in her early twenties. William and his ex-wife were divorced just as their daughter was graduating from high school. Their marriage was chaotic; the ex was highly emotionally abusive, and eventually, to protect himself, William began to respond in kind. Toward the end, William had pretty much given up on his life. He’s been honest with me about the failures of the marriage and his failures as a parent. He did the best he could, but he married far too young, without a clear understanding of his wife’s past (she carried a history of emotional, physical, and possibly sexual abuse from her father) and without an understanding of how his own unresolved childhood emotional neglect and abuse would impact his functioning as a spouse and as a parent. He would like to heal his relationship with his daughter, but she refuses to respond to him.
I don’t know whether he has ever articulated to her that he knows he has a lot to answer for. I don’t know whether she has any knowledge of how much he has changed since the divorce — he’s spent time in therapy, and has also regained much of the core self that he had to put away, for safety, during the emotionally abusive marriage. He was never abusive to his daughter, but he did fail to protect her both from the horror of the marriage, and from the manipulation and abuse from her mother. She had to grow up and become independent far too young, because her parents couldn’t parent her. William’s estrangement from his daughter is a heartbreak that pitches every day of his life in a minor key.
Several times I have wondered whether it would be a positive risk, or an unforgivable interference, for me to write to the daughter and tell her how much her father wants to repair the relationship. I would in no way suggest that she owes him the chance, or that she’s obligated to do it. I would only tell here: here’s how your dad feels, here’s what he’s ready and able to give you; he’s ready to hear everything you have to say, and to take responsibility for the ways he’s failed you, so if you ever feel inclined, please know that he’s the version of himself that you deserved to have growing up, and maybe it would be worthwhile to explore what it would be like to have him as a father.
I just wonder if she might be able to hear this from a third party more clearly than she can hear it from her father, to whom she will not grant an audience.
What do you think? Could I be taking a positive risk or causing a dramatic interference? Please enlighten me.
